Kanye West asks employees not to have s.e.x before marriage

Over the last few months, Kanye West has been traveling across the United States, delivering sermons through music to secular hypebeasts in need of saving. His messaging is unusual, but clearly effective, as proven by the crowd’s reaction to the catchy song title “Closed on Sunday,” which, he pointed out, is just like Chick-fil-A.

In conjunction with the nationwide Sunday Service tour of sorts, Kanye has also been hinting at the imminent release of his ninth album, a gospel record called Jesus Is King. From all indications, it’s a drastic reversal from his sixth album, Yeezus, which featured the track “I Am A God.” To further atone for said blasphemy, the rapper did more than dedicate all future musical endeavors to Jesus—he apparently also adopted the belief system of my Dallas-area high school sex-ed teacher.

Kanye West tried to ban his Jesus Is King employees from premarital sex

During West’s interview with Zane Lowe on Thursday, he told the Beats 1 host, “There were times where I was asking people not to have premarital sex while they were working on the album.” It is unclear at what times the abstinence-only edict was in effect, and what restrictions, if any, were places on those who are already married. (Presumably, none.)

That wasn’t all, though. Kanye talked to Lowe about the perils of being addicted to porn, a subject that also got an unseemly amount of attention in my Dallas-area sex-ed class, though on this front I sincerely wish Kanye well if he believes he has a problem. “My dad had a Playboy left out at age five,” he said, “and it’s affected almost every choice I made for the rest of my life from age five to now, having to kick the habit. It just presents itself in the open like it’s okay. I stand up and say, ‘You know, it’s not okay.’”

Photo illustration of a gilded portrait of Kanye West as the Virgin Mary

There were mentions about The Culture, which I am not going to elaborate upon here, and extended conversations about MAGA, which are predictably infuriating, and references that more or less could be summed up as “owning the libs,” which—you guessed it—is also the sort of thing I remember from my high school teachers discussing at length. (Not sex-ed in this case; my sociology teacher, apropos of nothing, once showed us a map of the United States and described why the libs would not be able to legalize gay marriage nationwide. That prediction didn’t turn out very well!)

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