I tried trout sperm on my baggy eyes like Jennifer Aniston – and I’m delighted with the result

A SENTENCE I never imagined I’d write, but here we are: I’ve just had trout sperm injected into my face.

Yep, the search for eternal youth continues apace.

Celebs including Jennifer Aniston and Vogue Williams have waxed lyrical about the benefits of salmon sperm for anti-ageing benefitsCredit: Getty

A sentence I never imagined I’d write, but here we are: I’ve just had trout sperm injected into my faceCredit: Supplied
Last week during my quarterly Botox top-up my excellent aesthetics doc Alice Henshaw calmly suggested fishy swimmers to help with under-eye puffiness. (Thanks, Al)

Polynucleotides — highly purified DNA molecules extracted from the gonads of fish — are apparently the latest in cosmetic technology, kickstarting cell rejuvenation and boosting collagen.

Numbing cream

With the idea originating in South Korea and slowly gaining traction over here, the jabs are also used to help those suffering from extreme acne.

While celebs including Jennifer Aniston and Vogue Williams have waxed lyrical about the benefits of salmon sperm, alas I was given trout.

Trout, which may sound like salmon’s slightly chavvier sibling, is actually the cream of the crop, no pun intended, when it comes to stimulating bone cells.

It’s also more “sustainable”, for those who care about such things — and unlike salmon, farmed trout reduces the strain on wild fish populations.

Like Friends star Jen, I too wondered quite how the scientists extracted said fishy semen.

The images springing to mind weren’t great.

Certainly, my careers adviser at school never mentioned salmon w***ing as a viable post-university option.

Happily, none of our little gilled friends are hurt in the process — the DNA used to create the polynucleotides is derived from the trout nucleus. Me neither, TBH.

Anyway, after being doused in numbing cream, and given a stress ball to squeeze at Alice’s Harley Street Injectables clinic — balls, at this stage, not being something I wished to dwell on — the 1-minute procedure was surprisingly painless.
Jennifer Aniston, , sparks engagement riddle as she wears huge diamond on her ring finger at SAG Awards

Glowy, dewy skin

The result? Bar a small-to-middling bruise around my right eye, genuinely I’m delighted — fewer lines, and overall a bit less panda-like.

By day four, I swear I’m also a little less liney: less Benidorm Marge, more “I’ve had 12 hours sleep”. (I haven’t, I’ve drunk all weekend and slept terribly).

Apparently, the results improve over time, and I can expect to see glowy, dewy skin in the next few weeks.

Any day now, then, expect to see a new column picture showing a veritable child.

The pioneering treatment — around the same price as Botox and a lot more natural/less poisonous — is apparently set to become one of the biggest beauty trends of this year.

Early days, but I’m in.

Who knew that I’d be such a sperm convert?

Ooh, la, la! Macron looks brawn to lead

SAY what you like about Emmanuel ­Macron, he’s fit.

Artsy black-and-white photos of the President of France thumping a punchbag soon went viral last week.

Judging by those pulsating veins and bulging biceps, he looks to have a body-fat percentage of around 12 per cent. Which is pretty impressive by anyone’s standards.

But what it really means is that this is a man who is unafraid of early starts, hard work and, above all else, someone who practises extreme self-discipline.

Qualities to be admired in a world leader.

What’s he on!

Olivia Colman has been speaking out over the gender pay gap in actingCredit: Alamy
OLIVIA COLMAN has hit out at the gender pay gap, saying she’d be earning a “f*** of a lot more” if her name was Oliver.

She’s right.

Generally speaking, women would rather lose a limb than ask for a pay rise.

I know a man who demanded more money for getting sober, one who secured an extra £10k for hitting his mandatory sales targets and a friend of a friend who said he needed more money for eating lunch at his desk.

Maddening.

Do me a favour, jog on

JOGGING faces its biggest PR crisis since Jim Fixx, the man credited with igniting the global running revolution, dropped dead from a heart attack while out on his morning trot in 1984.

Studies show that “running rage” is now a thing.

The repetitive and boring nature of the activity is said to leave proponents “angry, hostile and aggressive”.

It’s true.

Have you ever seen a smiley runner?

ON the subject of running, my clever cousin, Charlie, is embarking on the London Marathon next month.

The irritatingly fit chap is aiming to complete the 26.2 miles in under three hours.

He’s running for the brilliant homelessness charity Shelter.

So, in a moment of great charity, I went to sponsor him.

Cue being asked to pick out various lampposts and fire hydrants before I was allowed anywhere near the online sponsorship page.

Furiously ticking each Captcha box – checking I am, indeed, human and not a robot – I was feeling less charitable by the minute.

Anyway, obviously it’s really not that time-consuming and if you would like to sponsor Charlie, then please, please do.

You, too, can have fun picking out the motorcycles.

See shorturl.at/ctzZ4.

This past month has been an unmitigated horror show for Kate and the Royal family as a wholeCredit: Getty
LIKE everyone else in the country, my thoughts and prayers are with Kate Middleton.

This past month has been an unmitigated horror show for the family, but her brave, one-take statement will undoubtedly quieten the noise around her, and save lives by raising awareness.

On what sounds like a far, far more trivial note, this is a woman, though, who has also become synonymous with her beautiful, lustrous hair.

Indeed, “the Kate Middleton” is one of the nation’s most requested haircuts. As if fighting cancer isn’t overwhelming enough, the prospect of chemotherapy-induced hair loss – although it doesn’t happen to all patients – must be particularly tough. Get well soon.

Really, Brad?

Brad Pitt has been talking about keeping his beauty regime simple – including a £100k faceliftCredit: Getty
BRAD PITT is busy promoting his latest endorsement deal with a cosmetic firm called Beau Domaine.

“I always have and still want to keep it simple,” he says, earnestly, in some PR guff.

“I need a simple regime. I love that Beau Domaine is simple and effective – cleanser, serum, cream, and that’s it.”

Ah, so that’s the secret of your recent facial rejuvenation then, Brad.

Not the rumoured £100k facelift.

In bits over ‘bots

FIRST they set their bats on us. Now, their hacks.

In completely unsurprising news, the Chinese, it turns out, were behind the 2021 Electoral Commission cyber attacks, harvesting the details of 40million Brits.

Because starting a global pandemic clearly wasn’t enough.

It remains to be seen what has, or will be, done with our personal info.

But I’m guessing nothing great.

The “revelation” follows IT glitches at Greggs, Sainsbury’s, Tesco and McDonald’s.

These weren’t the work of hackers but could have been, with our spooks having to check out what had gone wrong.

And who remembers the Great Air Traffic Control Fiasco last August, which lasted for four days and saw more than 00 flights cancelled, all because a) a bit of tech failed or b) we were cyber-hacked.

No one really knows.

Whatever the cause, the result was chaos.

The point is, these technological wobbles have revealed the great big, thumping risk in our ever-evolving society – our reliance on technology.

Where, and what exactly, is Plan B?

We don’t have one. And that’s deeply worrying.

I’m not suggesting we go back to carrier pigeons or shoving children up chimneys.

But if we can’t function without robots, how is that progress?

IT’S another year, another shrinking Easter Egg story.

Apparently the surging cost of raw ingredients is to blame for 2024’s “shrinkflation”.

At this rate, by next year we’ll just be left with the ­packaging.