Miley Cyrus concert banned in the Dominican Republic

A government committee in the Dominican Republic has deemed Miley Cyrus’s morals lacking.

PHOTO BY CHIARA MARINAI.

Well, add one more distressing item to the long list of injustices raging across the planet. A terrible thing has happened on the shores of the sapphire-blue Caribbean Sea, a great wrong that affects us all. Miley Cyrus, writhing wretch of party pop, has been banned from performing in the Dominican Republic. Banned! Censored! Chased out like a common witch.

According to the AP, government officials deemed that Miley “undertakes acts that go against morals and customs, which are punishable by Dominican law,” and she thus cannot perform in their country. Which is silly. What acts are these, exactly? Is it illegal for a woman to bend over in the Dominican Republic? Is it against the law to stick your tongue out? Does it violate Dominican morals and customs to weep while hugging a giant, laser-eyed dog? I mean, I’m not naïve, I know what these officials really mean—Miley Cyrus is a filthy woman who dares to make reference to her own sexuality, like some sort of sex demon—but come on. Miley Cyrus is not doing anything that bad in her shows.

Though, it has been a while since anyone on the VF.com staff has been to a Miley show. So maybe things have changed? What if she’s actually doing things that sincerely violate the laws, morals, customs, and beliefs of the Dominican people? Or that violate the very laws of nature? What if she’s killing a man on stage every night? We’d probably have heard something about that by now, but you never know. Maybe she hexes her audience into forgetting what they’ve just seen. Maybe Miley Cyrus has become some sort of murderous dark sorceress, and for whatever reason the only ones who can see it are the people on this censoring committee, and we should all be thankful to them for drawing our attention to this scary issue.

But really, how likely is that? How likely is it that Miley Cyrus is performing black magic at her concerts every night, sacrificing an audience member or backup dancer to her dark gods, then enchanting everyone else in the arena so they won’t remember or report the incident to the authorities? The odds are pretty low. Not Vegas low, but low. And really, that’s the only thing I can think of that would justifiably get her banned from performing. Everything else—suggestive dancing, childish glorifying of drugs and drinking—is a really silly reason to ban someone’s concert. But, ban it they did. And now Miley’s Dominican fans are left holding tickets with no concert to go to.

Here’s hoping that Miley figures out a way to give her Dominican fans a show. Maybe she could hold a concert on nearby Isla de Mona and the diehards could take boats over or something. Of course, if Miley has, in fact, become some sort of power-mad nightmare mage, then luring a bunch of unsuspecting people to a desolate island would likely only be for a terrible purpose. But that’s just a risk her fans would have to take. And I think it’d be worth it. Don’t you?